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Emily Straubel

Emily is a sex and dating crusader. She founded The Red Lipstick Project as a place to talk openly about dating and sex and to connect with other intelligent women who want to find relationships that are as passionate and ambitious as they are. Emily also works with these women as a certified Holistic Health Coach to focus on their health and mindfulness as they go through breakups, job changes and other transitions to feel and look amazing in their own unique bodies. To share your story or experiences with dating in Portland email her at

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The Sex Files with Emily Straubel
Posted: July 7, 2014

Here’s why being “in love with love” isn’t such a bad thing

In love with love | Red Lipstick Project |

I often rant about how dangerous it can be to find yourself in a relationship where the idea – or superficial feeling – of love is more important than the genuine experience of being with a partner. I’ve seen so many people find themselves “in love with love” and watch as they pursue unrealistic expectations in relationships, self-sabotaging their own emotions along the way. I can’t help but shake my head as the relationship inevitably crashes and burns.

So I was surprised this weekend to find myself sighing with optimism and muttering, “I just love… love,” with a big dopey smile on my face, as I watched two of my great friends get married. Maybe it was the fireworks popping in the background, the pulsating music oozing out of the tent on the ocean or the romcom-style happy ending as we roasted marshmallows on the beach, but after this weekend I can’t deny it…

I am completely and utterly in love with love, and I don’t think it’s a bad thing.

I still hold true to my original belief that fantastical love and being hyper-focused on the idea of love-as-a-cure-for-everything can cause a train wreck in relationships. But I’ve realized that filling your life with love in unusual ways makes the process of finding a great partner, or being a great partner, just a tad bit easier.

Let me explain.

Recently I heard someone ask “when was the last time you were really in love?” The woman answered (and I am not paraphrasing), “I haven’t been in real love since college. I just haven’t found anyone who makes me feel that good.”

WHAT? You haven’t found anyone that makes you feel that good???

Maybe it’s because that’s a crazy amount of pressure on a new relationship. Feeling good for yourself, while you’re single or with friends or at work, makes it so much easier for a partner to make you feel good. And the same thing goes for love. If you create a life of love, where you have a job you love and friends you love and live in a place you love, “romantic love” and “mind-blowing sexy partner love” will be way easier to find. I mean, who wouldn’t want to be a part of that – right?

So before you complain that finding a relationship in this city is hard, consider whether your life is already filled with love, or if you’re waiting for someone to show up before starting to build loving relationships. Make it easier on yourself and your future partner. Fall deeply in love with LOVE, surround yourself with lovers and things that turn you on. I guarantee love will find you. These are the three things I would do to get started:

Walk IN LOVE, swim IN LOVE, swing IN LOVE

Even the most jaded heart can fall in love with a place. It’s the most uncomplicated relationship we have, so it’s the easiest way to start inviting love into your day-to-day life. Do you love swimming in the ocean at Pine Point? Do you love walking around the Back Cove? Do you love swinging on your hammock on your rooftop? (I do!) Go there. Spend more time in a place you looooooove. You won’t be able to hold back your smile, and before you know it you’ll be swooning with how much you love this place. It’s summertime in Maine for goodness sake! Who can’t fall in love here?!

Surround yourself with lovers

So often single people, and even people in relationships, become focused on the fact that they aren’t being shown love by a partner. But that doesn’t mean that they aren’t loved. You are surrounded by family and friends who love the crap out of you. Start loving them back. They deserve it. I know I say this all the time, but there is nothing more attractive than a good friend. Being the center of a group of people who really care about each other will make potential partners that you meet see how amazing your love looks. They will see how infectious your laugh is and how your awkwardly long hugs make your friends feel really cared about. They will want in on that. It’s the best proof of a good partner that you could find. Fall in love with the love that you have for your friends.

Love yourself. hard. and fast. and deep.

Let me ask you something – would you date you? No seriously. Would you be able to fall in love with you right now? Are you open and happy? or are you closed off and suspicious of love?

It’s impossible for someone to truly fall for you if you don’t fully love yourself. Yes – this is absolutely the relationship-coach-yoga-loving-quinoa-eating-hippie-Emily speaking. But it is SO true. You have to be your best self in order to attract love. If you need to get healthy, get over a past relationship or get over your fear of being hurt in order to love yourself, start working towards that! Fall totally head over heels for yourself. An awesome partner will be able to see right into the best parts of you and that sappy romantic love will be irresistible.

Yeah, it will be gross and amazing and you’ll fall in love with love too.

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