Sunday April 20th 2014

Face the Music

11 royal baby names for William & Kate to avoid: a musical offering

By: Aimsel Ponti

Let me start by saying, to quote “Gone with the Wind:” “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn,” about the Royals or the world’s obsession with William and Kate’s newborn son. I’ve never understood the obsession. But I’m more than happy to poke fun at it.

But just to be clear, I’m happy they have a healthy child and wish them the best like I would anyone.

Now that sonny boy is here, the next thing the world at large is focused on is what to name the child.

I’ve come up with 11 that perhaps should be avoided because they’ve been immortalized in song and aren’t shown in a particularly favorable light.

Shall we? Let’s!

1. JOEY.  ”Run Joey Run” by David Geddes. Joey is living a life of trouble with the law, with his girlfriend’s parents and who knows what else. Steer clear of this one.

2 .EARL  ”Goodbye Earl,” by The Dixie Chicks. Earl is bad news. ‘Nuff said.

3. JACK “Hit the Road Jack,” by Ray Charles (The Shirley Horn version because I love it). Jack, hit the road and don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

4. LEROY. “Leroy Brown,” by Jim Croce. He’s meaner than a junkyard dog. What else is there to know?

5. JEREMY. “Jeremy,” by Pearl Jam. We unleashed a lion. Steer clear.

6.NIGEL. “Making Plans for Nigel,” by XTC. Because Nigel’s future is as good as sealed. How boring.

7. Billie Joe. “Ode to Billie Joe,” by Bobbie Gentry. I LOVE this song, but it makes me sad because Billie Joe got a raw deal for sure and was a misunderstood soul.

8. AMADEUS. “Rock me Amadeus,” by Falco.  You can’t have your son trapped in an 80s song. That just can’t happen. Regardless of language.

9. RAY. “It’s a Shame About Ray,” by The Lemonheads. Poor Ray. What a shame.

10.BILLY. “Billy Don’t Be a Hero,” by Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods. Unhappy face. Don’t get me started about the attrocities of war.

11. MACK. “Mack the Knife,” by Bobby Darin. Two words: serial killer.

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